My muffin tops are starting to really pour out over the tops of my jeans, so I started working out. Specifically spin class, during which the instructor pointed at me and yelled, "I want YOUR ass out of the saddle!". True story. Everyone was staring at me like, "Gross, what a loser. Her ass isn't even out of the saddle."
After that humiliating experience I thought, "Man, I could really use a sauna". Oprah said it basically burns a million calories in a half hour. I was excited to walk out of the sauna with rock solid abs.
So I was sitting in the oven in full workout gear hoping my clothes wouldn't catch on fire. I was trying to meditate and totally zen out. Worrying about a fire hazard was so 5 minutes ago. The other woman in there was wearing a swimsuit. Still wet from the pool. Damn it, so that's the trick to surviving this hell hole.
Anyway, as she walked out, she said in a whisper, "Oh, you stink."
I didn't even catch it until the door shut and I was sitting there thinking, "Wait, what? What just happened? Did she just say I stink?" I didn't want to go over and apologize because seriously, she was pissed. I totally ruined her sauna meditation with my body odor for crissakes.
Now I know I was a little ripe, but isn't sweating out toxins the fucking point of sitting in a sauna? What is the protocol here, are people showering before they enter the sauna? Is that the idea? To begin the sweat process from scratch so they don't get too overwhelmed by their own stench?
I get it, it's close quarters. We don't need to be breathing in BO, but was that comment necessary? It's not like I was sitting in there smoking a cigarette. I was sweaty. At a gym. Big fucking deal.
And people, remember that some of us are beginners. Give the amateurs some breathing room while we try to grasp the gym etiquette, okay? We're already intimidated by your strapping muscles glistening under the lights. We don't need your sighs and shit while we try to figure out how to work a machine or get our asses out of the saddles.
Note: If you do not know what a muffin top is, please see the Daily Comic Relief at the bottom of this page.