Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Secrets Of Motherhood: I Want To Hear From You!

What do you wish moms would have told you before you had children?

I'll start.

I wish someone would have told me that I needed to increase my kegal work. It would have saved me from embarrassment when I peed my pants racing my daughter around the house. Or when I sneeze and pee my pants. Or when my husband tickles me and I pee my pants. I have more accidents than a toddler.

What am I, 85 years old? Do I need to be saving coupons for Depends? I'm seriously doing my kegals as I type. I heard once, and I'm not kidding, that someone's grandmother's uterus literally fell out of her body. She was 95 years old, but still!

I can see it now, sitting at lunch with my old lady friends and I say, "Oh shit, Harriet, my uterus just fell out. Could you be a dear and bring the car around for me? Thanks."

Another reason to continue kegals...sex. Per an anonymous friend (who told this to me during a business lunch) explained that sex with her husband is "like throwing a hotdog down a hallyway."

Your turn. And remember, your posted comments are always anonymous unless you type in your name. Your secret is safe!

6 comments:

  1. Everyone including my mother thought breast feeding would be soooo good for the baby. No one including my mother told me I would wake up with two half watermelons full of milk on my chest that would throb and burn for the next 6 months. I was also not informed that on my first night out that when somebody else’s baby started crying my breast were going to leak like a broken levy in New Orleans and I would have to leave the restaurant because I had milk running all the way to my ankles and getting my sock wet. Also no told about the after affect of when the milk leaves and you are left with what resembles chicken skin or a very old deflated balloon .

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  2. I found you through facebook and about died laughing when I saw this post. I cannot run or I *WILL* wet my pants, there are no ifs about it! I lost 30lbs in the last year and had to do it only through walking.

    What sucks is that we have a Siberian Husky and I am the one who walks him. Well, sometimes he will see a squirrel that I won't and take off before I can brace myself. Sure enough, I wet my pants.

    Unlike the mom above, I still have fabulous boobs even after nursing all three of my kids into toddlerhood. I still pass the pencil test....and no chicken skin. I guess my boobs are there to distract people from the GIANT pee stain on my pants while I am walking the dog.

    Oh, and I, too, am totally waiting for my uterus to just fall out sometime while I am sipping a coffee at Starbucks.

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  3. OMG!!! I am LMFAO!!! My friend and I were just talking about this today! I was tinkeling while running with a crotch wedgie yesterday! Forgot to change into regular underwear before I ran! Oops!!!

    Another thing to add to things you should be told before being a Mom...

    -expect to have green dried boogers on every pair of jeans for the first 2-3 years of their life!

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  4. Rachael,
    I am laughing hysterically.

    Thank you for posting and being so honest.

    And for being so f-ing funny.

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  5. Kel-

    My kids love your landscaping rocks next to your driveway. They want to come over and drive their trucks on your rocks. Now you can put rock garden on your landscaping resume.

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  6. OMFG! I have been laughing through out the posting and reading the comments!! This blog has totally made my day (god knows I have commented on EVERYTHING I have read LOL)!

    When I had children, I never thought I would be contending with a "miny me"! No one warned me that the old saying "do as I say, not as I do!" was a bunch of CRAP!!! Yeah righttt!!! That so doesn't work! I have a feeling that in 10-20 years from now, my children are going to be in therapy saying "My mother was a crazy b*tch..........she did this this this and thisssssss!!" Regardless of me fearing this outcome, my kids continue to tell me I am the coolest mom in the world. Why? Because I remember what it was like being a child in a unquestioning messed home life and childhood. So I have a lot of empathy for what they face being a teenager and a pre-teen (my daughter is 16 and my son is 11).
    NO ONE warned me about how hard it was gonna be to talk to my son about...well, puberty and what is happening is normal!! I have never had to talk to guys about this and well, I wasn't around a lot "normal" males growing up.
    I think I would of rather rip my eye out with a spoon then having to go through this particular "talk" with my son again! I was more embarrassed then my son was! This talk was so much harder then the one I had with my daughter at this age!! Maybe cause I am "experienced" with the equipment (being I have the same as my daughter's LOL) I don't know! Then after that, I got mad at my hubby because he should of been the one having this talk with my son LOL! DAMN HIM!
    Another thing is kids in this generation are learning more at a younger age and its hard to get use to. I mean, I am only 35 and I am not out of touch with this generation (in fact my daughter and I listen to the same music mostly) however, my son knows stuff that shocks me literally! He has ADHD sever but WOW...the stuff discussed in school is so above there age (just my personal opinion).

    Anyway, I am a writer by nature so sorry for the long post..........

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