We were at McDonalds yesterday for breakfast and I spilled coffee on my daughter. Luckily, the coffee was doused with a million creamers and had been sitting there for 30 minutes. Her legs are fine, thank God.
I wish I could say this was the only time I've ever fucked up, but I can't. My oldest is still talking about how I dumped her out of a golf cart in my parents retirement community.
What makes this story excruciatingly shameful is that I didn't notice for about 25 feet. All of a sudden I looked over and said to my youngest, "Where's your sister?" She said, "Oh, she fell out back there."
Like people falling out of our cart happens every fucking day. It frightens me a bit that she saw her sister dump out of the cart and chose not to say anything. Did she think we'd get to the pool and I wouldn't notice that a human being was missing? I'm guessing she was simply overjoyed with the thought that she'd be an only child.
Back to the scene of the accident, we had the mandatory judgemental onlookers. All of whom were over the age of 70. Shaking their heads asking what kind of mother dumps her child out of a golf cart.
You see people, as with every accident, I'm already swimming in a shameful pool of guilt. I don't need the clucking of tongues and the nodding of heads.
I want to pull my body into itself until I'm the size of acorn, but I can't because I need to tend to my hurt child. In front of people judging my existence as a mother.
After any kind of accident, I lie awake all night playing the "What if?" game, which drives me certifiably insane.
Then I remind myself that shit happens with my husband too. Like the time he steamrolled our youngest daughter while doing the limbo at a neighbor's Halloween party. After coming up from under the bar, he couldn't catch his footing and went sailing into our 4 year old Cinderella. He left the party in shame and embarrassment.
Apparently, there is no getting through this journey of motherhood without a scratch on our babies. I'd like to put them in safe, plastic bubbles, but that's not possible. They would have no friends. And I'd have to clean the damn bubbles, which I'm not doing.