Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Mealtimes. Enter Screaming Here.

I didn't realize that being a mom required an advanced culinary degree. If I have a nervous breakdown, it's scheduled between 5:00-6:00.

My kitchen is mayhem. I'm bouncing around clanking pots, pans, and plates. Shit is all over the place. Butter is smeared on Parker's homework, ketchup is splattered on Paige's backpack, and cream of mushroom soup somehow ended up on the window. It's fucking ridiculous.

I'm like a crazy clown gone bad as soon as I hear those three words, "What's for dinner?"

I panic and start opening cans before I even have an inkling of what I'm about to make. And it usually sucks ass.

Last night I layered lasagna incorrectly. Who does that? I got to the last layer and I was out of beef, sauce, and cheese. Apparently, I didn't pace myself. Have you seen lasagna with naked noodles on top? I panicked and spread butter on them. When it doubt, use butter.

And here's a confession, I don't own sugar. I have a tiny box of raw sugar for my coffee, but not the big bag required for baking. My neighbor called to borrow a cup. I explained that I only have raw sugar, which proabably wouldn't work for her cupcakes. From scratch.

I have flour, but I don't know why.

We had friends over once and one of them looked in my fridge and said, "What, are you moving?"

No, I'm not moving, I just don't comprehend what the fuck I need to buy at the grocery store. I wander around looking at everyone else's cart, wondering what in God's name they're going to prepare with yogurt, scotch tape, pork, and Cheerios.

So I beg of you. If you have a recipe that is easy (I can't stress that word enough), please post a comment.

If you have an issue posting a comment, let me know. People are having a tough time with it lately. If you click on Post Comment twice, it usually works. It's more sensitive than a 12 yr old girl.


  1. Get a package of hotdogs. Warm up in microwave. Look in fridge and cupboards to see what else you can find that might complement the hotdogs- canned chili, chips, mac & cheese, pork and beans. Heat accordingly. How wonderful to have so many choices!! Gourmet dining at its finest! Be sure to use paper plates to make clean-up easy!

  2. Hilarious... so glad I found your blog! I am very much like you in the kitchen. I'm kind of ashamed to say I have rarely cooked my children dinner myself - thankfully, hubby is good at that. Most nights, we eat at my parents house or at my inlaws, because they're the ones watching our children when I'm at work... yeah, I know, I'm lucky! But sad because my boys will never say, when they're older: "Remember moms cooking?" Sigh.
    Anyway, yeah, grocery shopping for me is fruit, some veggies, crackers, cheese, etc. I wish I had better skills in the kitchen!

  3. Loukia,
    I am so glad you're here! Thanks for posting. YES, you are so lucky to have your parents and in-laws for meals!

    I have that same feeling about my kids not gloating about "mom's cooking" when they're older. What will they say? "Remember those crackers she got from the Ritz box? Oh, they were SO GOOD!"

  4. I'll be honest, the only reason I am good in the kitchen because I had a VERY patient mother-in-law (who was my roommate before she was my in law~~long story). I couldn't run a washer and dryer when I met her. I proceeded to wreck one of her cast-iron pans by soaking it in soapy water and rusting the hell out of it. Then, I made brownies and forgot the eggs. BRICKS~~they turned into bricks. You could put a hole through sheet rock with those suckers. My mother in law laughed her ass off over those (but not over the forty year old cast iron pan I almost wrecked)!!! The best I could do at 18 years of age were "Tootie Fruities"~~yeah the cereal!!
    Now at 35 years old, I cook enough for a small army! Lets just say that my husband and I are "fluffy" for a reason LOL!
    Now, its hard to live up to "Mom, the schools food is horrible, will you make me a lunch??" UUHHGGGGGG!!!!! LMAO!
    I am so enjoying your blog....seriously!

  5. I suck in the kitchen too, this post was like looking into my fridge!

    easy bbq/ranch/orange marmalade chicken.
    -thawed chicken breast
    -bread crumbs
    - bbq sauce,ranch dressing, orange marmalde pick one sauce only!

    pierce chicken with fork, and spread sauce all over them to marinate for a bit. Then coat with bread crumbs, and bake in over at 350 degrees for about 30 mins.

    when you do the orange sauce you can put orange slices on it..yum...this is super, if i can do it you can too!

    BTW- a friend send me your blog and i love it!

  6. From Julie (posted by Kelly)

    Kelly - couldn't get the post a comment to work. But just wanted to say that supper is my most horrible time of day. My husband refuses to make anything but frozen pizza. You cook for an hour just to eat for a few minutes and then clean up for a half hour. I could go on but I will stop now.

  7. Becky sent me your blog and I LOVE IT!

    try this-
    Pork Chop supper
    1 tablespoon butter
    4 pork loin chops(1/2 inch thick)
    3 medium red potatoes, cut into small wedges
    2 cups baby carrots
    1 onion, quartered
    1(10 3/4ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup, undiluted
    1/4 cup water
    In a skillet over medium heat, melt butter. Brown chops for 3 minutes on each side.
    Add the potatoes, carrots and onion. Combine soup and water; pour over the top.
    Cover and simmer for 15 to 20 minutes or until the vegetables are tender

  8. Morissa,

    Welcome! So glad you're enjoying the blog!

    This sounds so good, I want it RIGHT THE HELL NOW!!!!

    My pork always turns out like bricks, so I'll give your recipe a try.