Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Newborn worries.

I'm feeling a little nostalgic because my oldest turned nine today. NINE! Wasn't her first doctor visit just yesterday?

I remember it so clearly. My husband and I had a list of questions ranging from the number of times she pooped in a day, to why the hell she was screaming nonstop.

Then the infamous question my husband added to the list: "Ask about pointer finger. Cancer?" Nothing like throwing the big bomb out there in the first inning.

So there we were in the clinic. All our questions are answered except that last one. We looked at each other nervously, like this could be it, the answer that changes our lives.

We took a deep breath and asked, "Hey doc, could you look at her finger? This is a new and it looks really weird."

He smudged it off and said, "Oh, it's chocolate."

Fuck.

I forgot I ate Junior Mints during the 4:00 am feeding. One must've fallen on her or they got all melty...it's anyone's guess. I fed her with my eyes closed while shoving handfuls of chocolaty goodness in my face.

We said, "Okay then, apparently we're fucking idiots and shouldn't be allowed to have a child, but since she's here, we're going home to figure this shit out. Thank you and goodbye."

It's such a shame we have to kick off our parenting skills under such intense fatigue, isn't it? Kind of like heading into the Superbowl without a head. Never going to win under those conditions.

p.s.
Congratulations to Kris for winning a pedicure at a Lifetime Fitness near her.

Kris, enjoy your feet treat! Your tootsies will be so happy! All Kris did was opt in for the newsletter to be entered into the drawing.

Next drawing: July 15! Sign up for "Dispatches From the Burbs" newsletter to be automatically entered into the drawing. Good Luck!

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