Tuesday, June 9, 2009


We have a sheet of paper framed in our house. It was written by Parker when she was seven years old. It's a list of Do's and Dont's in order to please a boy. Now, I'm borderline feminist, so this was a little alarming.

One of the instructions on here is, "Do not say 'Hi there, big boy."

I never have and never will, say, "Hi there, big boy" to anyone. Ever. When would that line ever be appropriate? Role playing with my husband on a kinky night? Good God. It's so Mae West.

So this begs the question, just what is it about boys that make us crazy for them? I remember very clearly having a crush on David Parker in 3rd grade. I went to school early so I could push his desk closer to mine instead of Mary Ellen Beacher's desk. She had ringlets down to her ass, so she was major competition.

I'm sure the teacher came into the room wondering why I was basically sitting David Parker's lap while learning multiplication. Maybe that's why I suck so bad at math. I was too busy staring at David's beautiful blonde hair.

In 5th grade I kissed Troy Ashton and ran (actually floated is the better word) all the way home. The principal called my parents and explained their slutty daughter was making out with a boy after school.

Even after being busted by my parents, I held strong and said I was at a patrol meeting. I did, however, have to call Troy and break up with him, per my Dad's non- negotiable instructions.

The next year proved to be worse. I was in lust with David Hansen, but he liked my friend Jenny. So what else would I do except tell David that Jenny hates him, and tell Jenny that David hates her?

They never questioned it and accepted my fake break up. Jenny sobbed for days and to this day, reminds me what an asshole I was in 1982. She's right.

For all I know, that was true love and they'd be married with four children right now if I wasn't such a total prick.

My heart was broken over and over again, but I always put my gloves back on and went back in the ring. Here's my theory on it. I had to experience boys and men to figure out what I wanted in a husband.

Then I found him in 1991. The guy that had all the good things mixed into one person. All the qualities I loved in those boys starting from 3rd grade. The guy with the hair, the athlete, the sensitive shy one, the spiritual one...they were all rolled up into one guy. Fucking awesome.

My first sentence to my future husband was this: "So it's my birthday today. Are you taking me out for dinner, dancing, hot passionate sex?"

He blushed and turned away without a word. That's when I knew I'd have his children someday.

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