Thursday, June 25, 2009

Copycat.

It's no secret I muddled my way through postpartum depression/psychosis. Here's the interesting part about surviving it...the aftermath sucks.

I felt like I woke up from being drunk on a neurosynaptic cluster-fuck. I disengaged from life and it had the audacity to go on without me.

Where was the fucking rewind button? Now that I was back from my sabbatical in hell, I wanted to go back and re-experience birthday parties, happy hours and anniversaries with the real me.

Through the depression, I became a shell mimicking authentic life. A copycat.

In the haze of delusions and depression, I forgot how to be me, so I became other people. A chameleon of the masses so no one would think I was different. If could I act like a normal person, then I could convince myself I was normal too. Nevermind the psychotic thoughts of death, I was laughing like other people at happy hour. If they were happy, I was happy. If they were sad, I was sad.

And trust me, it's fucking exhausting trying to be someone other than who you are. And it made me feel even more alone. Because not only was I lost in the company of other people, I lost my own self.

I've lost keys, money and shoes. But my own self? Isn't it supposed to be tucked inside our bodies for safekeeping? How did I fucking lose that?

But maybe that's what survival mode is about. Drawing into yourself to take a look around inside. Find yourself again. Repair the wiring and hit the reset button.

After all, no one can fix you, but you. Sometimes the road is a journey of one, but when you come back, it's worth it.

4 comments:

  1. That is one of the hardest parts - finding the "real" you again or figuring out what that even means anymore. Thanks for sharing some very real feelings about the subject. The only thing you can do sometimes is start back at step 1 - figure out how to take care of youreself and do the simple things before tackling the rest of life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Where was the fucking rewind button? Now that I was back from my sabbatical in hell, I wanted to go back and re-experience birthday parties, happy hours and anniversaries with the real me.

    Through the depression, I became a shell mimicking authentic life."

    What you wrote above.........GOD I WISH WE COULD REWIND.

    though I didn't suffer from postpartum depression/psychosis, I do suffer from bi-polar, borderline personality & other things but in 2003, I hit one of the worst "manias" EVER! I became a whole different person and I don't remember 2003 much, 2004 and well into 2005.
    Its so frustrating that #1, I can't remember shit and #2, everyone else can remember it but ME! It was my life and its nothing but flashes of movies clips so to speak for me!

    A family member of mine asked me "Do you really want to remember it? Do you really want to see what you were like then?" Maybe she is right. Do I really want to embarrass myself by remembering?

    I know what you mean........

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your post nailed it. I've been gone through significant depression about 10 times in my short 34 years. I can SO relate to that feeling of coming out of it and feeling like I missed out. It's always amazing to me that I can go through those times and never REALLY experience anything. I have two beautiful boys, and cringe when I think of what I can't get back.

    Keep up the great work here!

    ReplyDelete
  4. So interesting that I'm not alone with that thought. The thought of missing out. And it's true, it baffling how a person can go through the motions without actually experiencing it. Depression is like novacaine...from the good stuff.

    Thank you to all the people that commented. Keep 'em coming.

    ReplyDelete