Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Drivers.

I think people muster up a little too much courage driving their cars. Maybe it's because they're contained in their own special little suit of armor. But the flipping off, nodding heads, shaking fists, and leaving notes on windshields is overkill.

I drove my husband's truck for a week. Big manly truck. I couldn't park the fucking thing to save my life. It was like driving a motorhome. Anyway, I semi-parked at Target to grab the usual: toilet paper, birthday cards, and hairspray.

I got back to the monster truck to find a note under the windshield that read: "Nice park job. Maybe next time you could leave a can opener so I could get into my car. ASSHOLE."

I love that they thought I was a man. And I have to wonder, do they wait and watch to see my reaction? I don't think I'd have the guts.

There are a few other things that annoy me more than unruly driving behavior: bumper stickers, personalized license plates, and beanie babies in the back window.

Are those stuffed animals for my entertainment? Because I'm already a DJ and referee while I drive. I don't need more distractions. So if those stuffed kittens are for me, the person driving behind you, feel free to welcome them back into your home. Line them up on your mantle or something. I can't take it anymore.

The personalized license plates. Good God. My husband and I play this game all the time. I'll get a text from him at least once a week with a stupid plate. "Moms Toy", "2cool", "Irock", "You Wish". I wish? No sir, I don't wish to be driving your car, especially with that plate.

Here's an interesting thing my friend pointed out. Why the kleenex in the back window? If you sneeze, there is no way you're reaching that box. Why not the glove compartment?

Or is it there for backseat liasons? And if that's the case, why aren't the used condoms strewn across your back window? Now that actually would be entertaning. I could count how many times you got lucky this week. It beats counting slugbugs.

Or maybe we could just express ourselves with...oh, I don't know...ourselves. Say what you want to say. Be who you want to be. Two-way communication is good, instead of holding the drivers behind you hostage with your perspective.

If you love kittens, tell me you love kittens. Don't carry stuffed ones around with you.

If you think you rock, then tell me why you rock. I may or may not agree with you, but at least we could debate the topic instead of you announcing it to me via license plate.

And if you are having sex in the backseat of your car, please don't tell me about it. I may be carpooling with you someday.

6 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Kelly, the car probably WAS an iroc....camaro, yuh know? That is what you do when you need to REMEMBER what kind of car you drive! But as for parking too close to someone's driver's door....I've been the person in the other car and have had to climb in through the passenger door across to the driver's seat. In a skirt.

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  2. boo for beannie babies and personalized license plates, for us too...
    and how about the little knit covers for the headrest?

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  3. hahahahahaaha...knit covers for headrests? how have i missed these????

    we were at an ice cream joint last summer when my 6 year old slammed open her door against someone's car. Boom! Who knew she had that kind of strength?

    we were like, "Uh, the Nordstrom's have arrived."

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  4. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kelly,the Irock was in reference to the car....a camero. Which is all the more funny because maybe they need a reminder as to what they drive! But seriously, getting parked in by someone is a pain in the ass....I once had to open the passenger door, climb across the front seat, and flip my ass into the driver's seat on a day I was wearing a skirt. Seriously, that pissed me off. So if I get a note for something stupid I have done, well I guess I just paid it forward. hahahahahahahaha! (oh, and I deserved it)

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  5. Oh for sure it was in reference to the car, but my point is this: we SEE your car, you don't need to buy a license to explain it to us.

    Maybe I should get that says, "300C" on it in case anyone is confused about what I'm driving.

    It IS a pain in the ass to be parked in. I ripped a skirt crawling out once. Brutal.

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  6. I have issues with women talking on cell phones. Not to be a traitor to my gender but DAMN where I come from, women CANNOT drive while on there cell phones! I have gotten in almost two accidents and even then, they kept talking on there cell phones and some how manage to drive away...............GRRRRRRRRRR!

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