For some reason, we all love sharing our stories of labor and delivery, don't we? It's like wearing a badge of honor. I didn't endure anything too insane, but my back labor could have killed a horse.
I felt like little trolls were chewing on my tailbone. I pulled the nurse aside and asked, "I need to know. Is it possible for a child to come out of my asshole? Because I'm pretty sure that's where this one is coming."
She replied, "No, we have never witnessed an asshole birth and I've been here for over twenty years. I'm pretty sure you won't be the first."
Then I had my husband leaning into my face while I was pushing, saying, "There is no way in hell you're getting this kid out, there's just no way, it's not possible, you're going to need a c-section, you can't do this, holy shit, this is insane..."
I'm not certain, but I think the nurse told him to shut it. After all, if you don't have anything positive to say, don't say it.
And has anyone actually seen that epidural needle? They hauled that thing in like it was a launch missle. And my nurse, who I'm convinced was hungover with the shakes, couldn't get it together. He was fumbling all over the place and I was still panicking about delivering through my anus. We made quite a team.
But in the end, through the panic, I delivered our baby girl (through the correct hole). My husband and I laughed and cried and shook our heads in disbelief. There she was, our daughter.
Totally dependent on us for her survival.
And we thought labor and delivery was overwhelming.