Sunday night, 6:15 pm. While most of you were eating dinner and giggling over wine, I was 2 inches deep in feces in our downstairs bathroom with a toilet auger (a fancy plumbing tool I can no longer live without).
My theory is that our daughters are wiping their asses with a "toilet paper pillow." I'm thinking 4 squares would do the job since their ass is the size of a stamp, but they're using at least 560 squares per dump. My auger tells me this is so.
I didn't lose my cool until I looked up to see an audience of my kids and their friends. Watching me balance on one leg, while extending the other to prevent the dog from licking brown water, seemed to be quite entertaining. I almost offered them popcorn and Junior Mints for the show.
Then came the questions..."Can Tate eat dinner over here?", "How long will this take?", "What is that thing?", "Are you a plumber?", "What are you making for dinner?".
I said, "I am covered in feces. Trust me, Tate doesn't want anything I will be serving and will you please kick the dog out to the backyard before he barfs up poopy water?"
I'm a little sensitive about the #2 since I got an eye infection on a Disney Cruise a few years ago. I was swimming in the kiddie pool, totally underwater, until I noticed the mad dash of all the legs scrambling to get out. I popped my head up to see my husband and children yelling, "Get out of the pool! A kid poooped!"
I looked over to see a fucking turd floating right next to my head. It took 6 months for my eye to heal from the infection. The embarrassment was too much when the doctor asked, "Are there any cirumstances that could have caused this?"
I couldn't lie. I said, "Yes, actually, I was swimming in poop on a Disney Cruise." He said, "Excuse me?"
I think he just wanted me to repeat it, which I didn't.
So back to the task at hand. My husband returned from work, took a good look at the mayhem, and said, "You're the hottest plumber I've ever seen." This is why I married him. He always puts a smile on my face, even when I'm covered in shit.
Devastation was diverted and I escaped without an eye infection. And I have to say, it felt good to take care of something myself. It was rewarding in a sick kind of way.
Plus, I'm thinking I saved $160 by not calling a plumber, which could score a great pair of jeans.