Monday, June 8, 2009

Running With Birds.

I started running again even though I hate it. But I have to be real. These muffin tops are not going to magically fall off the top of my ass without some help.

With each step on the treadmill I think, "This. Fucking. Sucks." Over and over again until I make it four miles. Which takes forever when you run as slow as dirt.

I decided fresh air should help ease the pain, so I took it outside.

It was a bright, sunny day. With my daughters on their bikes, we started on a path around the lake. It actually felt good. I was greeting other runners like I was one of them.

I was basically walking with a hop, which I term "jogging", when a fucking black crow swooped down on my head and attacked my scalp. I was screaming and waving my arms, fighting off this heinous bird. I was throwing punches toward the end just to make him pay with pain.

Seriously, who goes out for a jog and ends up having a fight with a fucking crow?

I'm certain it wanted to take me to its nest and feed me to its young. I don't understand how this shit happens to me. Has any other runner in this world been attacked by a bird while running?

I fucking doubt it.

I ran close to a 6 minute mile to reach my daughters on their bikes. My hair was all over the place and I think I had a black eye from my crow tussle. I was yelling, "Did you see that? Oh my God, did you see that bird attack me!? A bird attacked my head you guys!"

They looked at me like I was certifiably insane. The older one said, "Well, you're safe now, mom." Then looked at her sister like, "Mommy is fucking crazy but don't say it out loud."

I'm proud to say I haven't let this incident instill in me the fear of outdoors. However, I will never run around that again as long as I live. I just don't have it in me to fight off another bird while trying to maintain a swift 10 minute pace.


  1. i can imagine you looking exactly as the blog picture on the top right... Sorry this is happening to you, but it sure is entertaining for the rest of us... :)

  2. This is true, Desma. That is what I looked like (sans lipstick). hahaha. I'm so glad this is entertaining. I have to say, I was laughing to myself while typing it. The shit that happens to me is just unbelievable.

  3. I CANNOT stop laughing...first of all bless you for running...I think about it, work up a sweat (I think that's just my body fearing that I'll actually do it) and that's it...I'm done and back to my ice cream my muffin top just let out a happy sigh...

    The Bird that attacked you was probably the granddon or daughter of a bird who was in the film The Birds trying to live out a cinematic fantasy..whaddya think?

    I once had a bird crap on my head and didn't know was in the 80's when I had HUGE bangs to go along with my HUGE hair...if you moved one strand of hair the bangs rose off my head as one...ah, the wonders of hairspray and gel ...I was waiting for a friend, looking all cool till she showed up and laughed so hard she almost cried....freakin' birds

  4. i have one statement to make...........


  5. Kelly, you are so funny! I laughed picturing your kids looking at you as you are explaining a bird attacking kids get that same look ! Too funny!

  6. Kelly you are not the only one to get attacked by black birds. At least it wasn't a boring run. I have had to many of those. You could wear a helmet while you are running.