Apologies for the sporatic posting. I'm writing a book, so my free time is spent writing the book instead of the blog (aka "Hyper-writing").
Today's topic is hair.
I got a wild hair up my ass one boring day at work, so I grabbed a spot at my salon over lunch. My very gay stylist explained that I'd look so fabulous with short, blonde hair.
I replied, "Sure, what the hell, go for it". He almost died of a heart attack. A transformation! Finally, after all these years of trimming my bangs he was allowed to make me over. He actually gasped with delight.
After shaving my hair like a landscaping tree and dying it bright blonde, I was indeed transformed.
Into what, I'm not sure. I gained about 15 years. I went from a young, vibrant woman, to The Old Woman In A Shoe.
I don't mind aging, but fifteen years in one hour was a little fast. Dark circles even appeared under my eyes, a direct symptom of this disease of a hairdo.
I screamed at the mirror, realizing there was nothing I could do. All my beautiful brown curls were dead at my feet. Tombstones of younger, better, sexier days.
My husband was suckerpunched. I left the house with long brown hair and came back looking like Edie Falco with a twist of Little House On The Prairie.
Take Edie's hair, add a little bit of mullet, but tendrils on the side. Honestly, I can't explain it.
He slapped his hands up over his mouth and just stared. Blank. I stood there, looking like a psychotic lawn gnome.
All I could say was, "Yeah."
He stared at me the entire night. Watching me pour Lucky Charms into a bowl, watching me brush my teeth, watching me watch TV...this went on for days until the shock wore off.
I had no choice but to wait it out. For-fucking-ever.
Unfortunately I was in three weddings that year. It's horrific to think these couples are looking through their wedding albums and seeing the disaster on my head.
I over-drank at their receptions to make myself look better...to myself. It's a shame when you have to wear your own beer googles.
But, what can I say. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I explore. I try. And I learn.