Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.

Apologies for the sporatic posting. I'm writing a book, so my free time is spent writing the book instead of the blog (aka "Hyper-writing").

Today's topic is hair.

I got a wild hair up my ass one boring day at work, so I grabbed a spot at my salon over lunch. My very gay stylist explained that I'd look so fabulous with short, blonde hair.

I replied, "Sure, what the hell, go for it". He almost died of a heart attack. A transformation! Finally, after all these years of trimming my bangs he was allowed to make me over. He actually gasped with delight.

After shaving my hair like a landscaping tree and dying it bright blonde, I was indeed transformed.

Into what, I'm not sure. I gained about 15 years. I went from a young, vibrant woman, to The Old Woman In A Shoe.

I don't mind aging, but fifteen years in one hour was a little fast. Dark circles even appeared under my eyes, a direct symptom of this disease of a hairdo.

I screamed at the mirror, realizing there was nothing I could do. All my beautiful brown curls were dead at my feet. Tombstones of younger, better, sexier days.

My husband was suckerpunched. I left the house with long brown hair and came back looking like Edie Falco with a twist of Little House On The Prairie.

Take Edie's hair, add a little bit of mullet, but tendrils on the side. Honestly, I can't explain it.

He slapped his hands up over his mouth and just stared. Blank. I stood there, looking like a psychotic lawn gnome.

All I could say was, "Yeah."

He stared at me the entire night. Watching me pour Lucky Charms into a bowl, watching me brush my teeth, watching me watch TV...this went on for days until the shock wore off.

I had no choice but to wait it out. For-fucking-ever.

Unfortunately I was in three weddings that year. It's horrific to think these couples are looking through their wedding albums and seeing the disaster on my head.

I over-drank at their receptions to make myself look better...to myself. It's a shame when you have to wear your own beer googles.

But, what can I say. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

I explore. I try. And I learn.

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