You may be surprised, but I don't swear much in real life. I know, I know. When I run into people, I think they expect me to pull out a cigarette and start cursing like a sailor. Wait. To be honest, I called my dog Rocket a fat ass a few seconds ago, but he just sat on my zip drive and broke it. No kidding, as I was typing the first sentence of this blog, he hopped on the sofa and sat his big, furry ass on the zip drive and cracked it. It's hanging like a used condom from the side of my computer. Trust me, he deserved that comment. And since he's a dog and can't process words, I'm convincing myself that it's not verbally abusive.
But honestly, I don't swear a lot. This blog is kind of my alter ego. The bad ass I wish I could be, but don't have the guts in real life.
My kids, on the other hand, are desperately trying to find the wiggle room when it comes to swearing. Paige will drag out, "HELL-o!" just to hear herself say the word "hell". When I was their age, I used to say,"Ah Ship!" and then when my dad stared at me with disgust, I'd say, "I said shiP! With a P. You can't ground me for that."
To this day, my dad has a difficult time reading my blog because of my potty mouth. "I like your blog, but I didn't think my little girl used that kind of language." My mom chimed in and say, "Well Ron, if something is shitty, then it's shitty."
I don't think he appreciated me spreading the contagious sailor talk with my mother.
My oldest daughter, Parker, recently admitted to a brilliant loophole I never thought of: Flipping the bird with her hands jammed in her pockets. She sat us down at the kitchen counter and said, "Mom? Dad? I have to tell you something and I may get in trouble for it, but I can't keep it in anymore."
We looked at each other with apprehension. Drugs already? She's only nine!
She said, "Well, I wanted to see what it was like to put my middle finger up, but I was so nervous, I did it with my hands in my pockets. It only lasted for a second and I didn't like it, but I just had to be honest with you."
Whew. We explained that it's not classy to flip people the bird, nor is it classy to swear. She has choices to make, but our guidelines are to treat everyone with respect and swearing doesn't fall into the respect category (unless you know how to use it for comic relief, which I refrained from saying out loud).
We haven't had an issue since, but I'm definitely aware of watching where she's putting her hands when I ask her to do her homework or clean her room. I don't want her using the "Pocket Bird" stunt on me. Man, kids are smart these days.