Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Anti-Clean Floor.

We're entertaining tomorrow night, so like all the other suburban moms out there, I decided to clean my house so no one will find out how messy I really am. Anyone that knows me understands this is "fake clean". It lasts for the time of the party only, then the house returns to mayhem.

By the way, does anyone really give a shit if there is dust on the brass toilet paper holder? Just curious.

Anyway, I scrubbed the kitchen floor and it looked like chocolate milk in the bucket. That's what happens when family members trample across the floor with boots in December.

I went to throw the water out and tripped over an annoying chair that always sits right in the middle of our kitchen. The "chocolate water" spilled everywhere, including the lazy susan, the coffee maker(better not be broke now), my peanut butter toast, and maybe the dog. Although I think he moved quick enough to escape the tidal wave of dirt.

Son of a bitch.

I was pissed at that chair, so I tossed it to the side of the kitchen where it landed so perfectly that there is now a hole in the linoleum. That's nice.

I cleaned everything that was drenched in the filthy shower and re-washed the floor. As I successfully dumped out the dirty water, I looked over to watch my dog rub his ass across the floor as if it's toilet paper. Streaks of "chocolate" were left behind.

My once-clean floor lasted thirty seconds.

So I washed it again.

Then changed the garbage, which leaked turkey juice and fat all over the floor. At this point I was laughing like a crazy clown yelling, "You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

Colbie Caillat sang in the background, "If you just realize, what I just realized..." She was mocking me. Oh really? What did you realize, Colbie? That it's impossible for me to have clean kitchen floor? Is that what you want me to realize? Is that it? Argh!

I ejected Colbie and her perky attitude and promptly inserted Ninch Inch Nails.

If there was ever a time I felt like a gerbil on wheel, it's today. But hey, at least the floor is clean.

Until the kids come home.

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