Friday, December 4, 2009

X-Rated Sauna.

I hit the gym today for the first time in forever. "Sauna therapy" is supposed to be good for lowering blood pressure and releasing toxins, so what the hell, I slammed the rest of my Hot Pocket and went to the club.

I can't seem to get a good experience in the sauna. A few months ago I was ridiculed for smelling bad. Apparently everyone else on the planet sweats out rose petals, while I release body odor.

I have since learned to use the sauna before my workout.

Anyway, today I sat in there before my workout so as not to offend anyone. But today was not my turn to do the offending. I was the victim.

A few older ladies around seventy joined me in my "sweat bath" and proceeded to chat. Grateful for the company, I loosened up and started talking about how saunas can relieve depression, lower blood pressure, and sweat the fat off our asses.

And then I got a glimpse of one of those asses up close and personal. Mildred took off her towel and proceeded to lotion her body next to me. As she bent over to lubricate her ankles, I could have reached out and slapped her ass (but didn't).

Her visit with me was about ten minutes, but it packed a traumatic punch.

I was alone again trying to meditate and spin the image of Mildred's ass out of my mind when another guest arrived.

With a thong in her hands.

I must have looked shocked or maybe even said out loud, "What the fuck are you going to do with that thong?" Because she immediately started explaining herself. "I'm so sorry, but this is the only underwear I have today, so I washed them in the sink and now they need to dry out."

She gently laid them out next to the coals on the wooden frame and left to get dressed and blowdry her hair. I, on the other hand, was held hostage to staring at it for the rest of my sauna therapy.

That was it. I left and decided to take an extra-hot shower when I got home. This is not therapy. This is what causes anxiety, depression and high blood pressure (and OCD in my case). People's total lack of care for other people in the world. There is no need to expose beef curtains or thongs to strangers. Ever. There is simply never a reason for it.

Unless I'm in dire need of material for another blog, I'm officially done with the sauna. It's too traumatic for my delicate emotions.


  1. Oh you think that's bad? I was once in a women-only sauna, alone, enjoying the tranquility and stillness - eyes closed and mind blank for once.

    I was then joined by another woman, completely unknown to me who lay down beside me and starting masturbating. Noisily. How rude!

  2. For the love of God, please tell me you are kidding.

    But I know you're not.

    OMG. That is HIDEOUS!