Fruit is served at every morning business meeting, right? There's usually one chocolate doughnut tossed on the platter to placate the idiot that hasn't caught on to healthy living yet.
This is me.
For once, I'd love to see a platter of sugary doughnuts and Diet Coke (which my friend calls "Diet Cancer", taking away all enjoyment of the refreshing soda). I say we kick off the day loaded with sugar; We'll get shit done twice as fast until we crash at lunchtime. Then settle in for a nap. Done.
Needless to say, this never happens, so I'm left with an empty plate. This invites The Interrogation:
"What, are you hungover? Why aren't you eating?"
"I don't like fruit."
"What do you mean 'You don't like fruit', how can you not like fruit?"
"I don't like it."
"What about strawberries?"
By now, I've gained the interest of about ten other meeting attendees and they're joining in to see if they can be the one to uncover the one golden fruit that I enjoy. Screw the meeting, they've got a fruit-hater on their hands. It's like a personal assault to people, as if they fucking invented fruit.
"What about pineapple? Everyone loves pineapple."
"No, I really don't. It's okay on pizza or chicken, I guess."
"You can't eat fruit with meat. That's like, illegal."
"Well then, I'm guilty."
"Okay, watermelon. You can't beat watermelon on a hot day."
This goes on until the entire list of every fruit is exhausted. Why is it such an offense to detest fruit? Why is this information so upsetting to folks?
Even my kids can't believe it. "Mom, how you refuse an orange? Are you going to die because you're not eating healthy? You should eat fruit." There is a problem when children are trying to get their mother to eat fruit and not the other way around.
So to clear things up, here's where the fruit trauma began: I tried eating kiwi once and my throat started closing up and I was rushed to the hospital. So here's how my brain comprehends fruit: "Eat fruit and die." Nice.
And with that, I will say to all meeting planners in this world: Thank you for ordering that one chocolate doughnut for breakfast meetings. I appreciate it.