Monday, January 18, 2010

Proposal To Airlines From An Anxious Flyer.

I'm writing this blog on my flight home from the Dominican during a total and complete panic attack. Sweaty armpits and all.

While chewing gum like a fucking ape, I'm surveying the state of all flight attendents. They look terrified. I'm certain one of them just got off the phone with one of the pilots: "We're going down in a heap of flames. Just keep everyone calm for their last hour of life." I swear I overheard this conversation while waiting to pee. I woke my husband up to break the news. He looked at me like I was a crack addict.

But I don't find this anxiety irrational. Not while I'm in the middle of it, anyway. I see it as fear of breaking a promise to our daughters. I promised I would be here for them when they need me. I promised that I will never leave them. I promised to take care of them even when I'm old and gray. I fucking promised I'd be home on Friday (today).

As a plane crashes, broken promises burn up in the air too, don't they?

No one else seems concerned with this shit. They're reading papers, typing on computers, playing cards and in the case of my husband...sleeping. Why isn't anyone else on this plane worried that the Grim Reaper is sitting in seat 12C? My husband is fucking sleeping. To him, this is nothing more than a car ride to Cub Foods. Why can't his peaceful slumber be contagious?

What the hell is that clunking noise? Is the metal ripping off for crissakes?

I propose a drunk tank on planes. Get rid of First Class, which is really only a bullshit attempt to make people feel superior, and use that space for a soundproof tank for anxious flyers. We should board first and have a flight attendant sing lullabies and serve tequila shots. I see nothing wrong with this scenario.

Why does it sound like the engine just cut out? What if it doesn't start again?

In fact, airlines should board according to anxiety instead of rows:
"If you involuntarily grab people's legs during bumps, you may board now." Yes, I've done this.
"If you yell, 'What the fuck was that!?' during take-off and landing, you may board the Drunk Tank now." Yes, I've done this too.
"If you are pretending calm, when in fact you're terrified, you may board The Tank now."

I see no problem sedating anxious flyers. It's legal; Dentists do it. Why couldn't they serve laughing gas instead of pop and juice? I'd pay a hefty $50 for a hit right now.

Oh Christ, we're starting to descend through stormy clouds. Is it fucking mandatory to drop 500 feet while flying through a cloud??

Oh what a beautiful sight. I can see the sparkling nighttime lights of Minneapolis. Okay, now I'm back to sound mind and body again. To all the strangers I've grabbed on a plane, I apologize. Especially to the 21 year old sitting next to me right now. I know this is your second flight and I shouldn't have pointed out every knock, bump, and bang. It is involuntary.

I mean no harm, I swear. Which reminds me, I'm also sorry for swearing while you tried sleeping next to me. I know I woke you every time I muttered, "Shitwhatthefuckwasthat!?" several times throughout the flight.

Again, I'm truly sorry. I'm a good person, I'm just a shitty flyer.

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