Monday, April 26, 2010

Naivete at forty.

Today I'm 40. And I'm still naive. Apparently, it's who I am. I try to be "street smart", but it seems that the more experience I experience, the less I know.

Take for instance last summer. The hubbs and I were hanging out on our friend's patio having a couple beers. Some were smoking and I noticed one of them pounding their cigarette on the table to get the nicotine down to the top. I'm not a smoker, but I have a weird obsession with smokers. They own a rebellion I've ever experienced. It's this mentality like, "Fuck cancer, I like it. So I do it." I've never been able to think that way.

Anyway, so on our walk home I said, "Wow, they were smoking some stale cigarettes. Those things were clanking on the table when they were tapping them."

My husband said, "Oh sweetie. I love you. Those weren't cigarettes. It was pot." What? I was surrounded by drugs? In my hometown suburb???

Later, we shared this story with our neighbors. They said, "Well, Mary Jane never hurt anyone."

"Who's Mary Jane?"

"You are fucking kidding me."

That's when my husband stepped in to defend my [apparently fragile] reputation. "She's not kidding. It's her charm." God bless him.

The conversation went on for hours about how I'm pretending to be clueless with my husband explaining that I'm for real and it's not an act.

I put this to the test when my sister Kim came over. I needed to know if it was just me or if our entire family was sheltered to the point of isolation from street slang.

I said, "I'm so embarrassed, we were hanging out with friends the other night and I just learned what Mary Jane is."

She said, "Why, is Mary Jane really a man?"

"No. It's slang for marijuana."

"Oh. Well, I just found out what gahnge is."

"What's that?"


My husband couldn't take it anymore and left the kitchen.

And even as I write this, I had to google "gahnge" to learn how to spell it.

And apparently I still have it wrong because the definition of gahnge is, "An Irish term for a complete idiot."

That aptly sums it up.


  1. Oh you're darling! I never knew that gahnge was an Irish term for a complete idiot- thank you for a wonderful new insult!

  2. ...Em, this means we need to get to Ireland pronto! Because if I use it here, people will say, "God, you're an idiot" and then I'll get nerdy and say, "I KNOW! That's what it means!"

  3. That's why it's so perfect! And anytime you're thinking of going to Ireland, you just call me and we'll be off! It's time to get back to my roots... Plus, I'm sure we can pick up a few more obscure insults and phrases and become even nerdier!

  4. Kelly,

    If anyone can appreciate a Mommy with a "potty" mouth, ask Em' ... I got your fucking back sister ;)

    I just found your blog (yesterday) through Emily's blog, of which I am a loyal "follower" and kool-aid drinker. Miss "Pretty Lady" (aka Emily) came into my life unexpectedly, as most great people do. I give her much love and "props" for letting me in on a the little pieces of her life. I must confess, I have spent EVERY free minute I have encountered over the last 2 days, reading your blog, I have found myself in tears of laughter, empathy, and total "pee my pants" joy! I have sent your link to countless people, copied & pasted stories into emails and even read entries out loud and over the phone to my Boyfriend, Sister and Daddy! You are amazing, I love your realistic "fuck" laced spin on the world you live in that in so many ways is a perfect balance of chaos, learning and love.

    Love, love, love all you have to say! I am finding myself screwed because I was already addicted to Emily's blog now I have to add you to my list of addictions. I fear I may need treatment soon, I have a business to run and now I have a blog addiction to feed!

  5. Jennifer thanks for posting - the encouragement is priceless.

    Thanks for spreading the word!