Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The White Coat.

I love doctors. It's something about the white coat that gives me warm fuzzies. A jackass with buck-teeth and an Alabama accent could slip on that white coat and he would be transformed into an instant genius in my eyes. You want to jam a needle in my throat to help a skin blemish? Sure! You want to write a "street legal" prescription and I need to pay you in cash? SOLD!

In other words, I don't care if it's a Halloween costume, people are definitely smarter in that coat. If a Girl Scout shows up on my front step in a white coat proclaiming that if I eat a sleeve of Thin Mints I will live longer, I will buy the entire case of goodies and the wagon they came in.

Everyone should invest in a white coat. Who said doctors and dentists are the only privileged peeps who get to wear that white coat? In Tunisia, teachers wear a white coat to protect their street clothes from chalk.

If my high school teachers wore that coat I would have actually listened to what they had to say. They would have been brighter, better looking, more interesting...smarter. If they british accent to top it off, I would have never gone home. I would have slept in the dirty halls of the high school, hoping the education would sink into my skin, making me smarter by osmosis. Jesus, a british doctor is a genius without even taking a test.

Mortgage brokers, insurance salesmen, advertising reps...just call yourself a doctor and somehow spin your sales pitch to benefit the recipient's health and you'll make a cool mil. The definition of a doctor is derived from the Latin word "doctus" meaning, "having been taught." So if anyone gives you shit about it, you can say you have been taught in that area, therefore they can go to hell with their accusation. If you want to say, "BOOYA!" it will be within your right.

I might consider buying a white coat and wear it around the house. It could give me an edge when it comes to calling the shots around here. "Listen to me, girls. I am now a doctor of mothering you, therefore I know what is best. You need to unload the dishwasher, do your homework and pick up dog poop in the yard. It's for the best, trust me. I am a doctor."

The dog may not understand that I am now a doctor, but I think he'll get the drift when I leave a prescription in his bowl asking him to un-shed his hair all over the fucking place. And since I am now his Master Doctor, I will explain that eating my flip flops for dinner will upset his digestive tract. I will know this without taking a medical test. That's how smart I will be once I get that white coat.


  1. I wonder if the coat would have the same effect if everyone wore them all the time? or is it that because you only see it on a person you think you should respect already, it adds a level of cache to the coat?

  2. Definitely adds a level of cache to the coat.

    But now I'm wondering if I wore one while playing volleyball, would people think I'm a better player than I actually am?

    There needs to be a boundary of when and where you can wear it or the magic is lost. I'm guessing using the coat to enhance perspective on my volleyball skills would contribute to loss of cache.